Empowered Relationships – From Victim to Victory

Could your relationships really use a tune up? Is what you’re doing and how you’re doing it, at odds with the universe and all the people in your universe? Are you ready to blow, need a change or feeling extra resentful lately? If so, you may need to infuse yourself and your relationships with a healthy dose of empowerment. Let’s all step out of Victimhood and into Victory.

Our global climate has been looking bleak and somewhat dreary, and it is easy to have all the gloom and doom energy bleed over from the professional world and infiltrate our personal lives. This moment of crisis can also be seen as a potential opportunity; it is the breaking point where it becomes too painful to continue rigid behavior patterns that aren’t working and we become willing to move through the illusion we have been living and leap into a sustainable and satisfying victory in all our relationships. Change begins with you and ends with you, so know have control of every relationship dynamic in your life-even the one in which you feel most “out of control.” The control you have is your behavior and what you do with it. It’s time to get really honest with yourself and look straight in that mirror in order for your relationships to move from conflict to triumph.

I use two models for empowering ourselves from victim to victory: The Victim Triangle and the Circle of Empowerment. Used together and they form a personal tool kit for overcoming relational difficulties and creating healthy relationships. You can use these models to understand any problem you have been having in any relationship in your life: family, children, partner, friends, co-workers, yourself and even your relationship with things like money, your body and your spiritual practice. Wherever you have relationship there exists the possibility that you are living in the Victim Triangle and the opportunity exists to step into your Circle of Empowerment.

What I know for sure, from using these tools with hundreds of participants in my Life Empowerment Action Programs, is that they WORK!
Getting to know these concepts and applying them in your life AUTOMATICALLY RESULTS IN A PROFOUND POSITIVE TRANSFORMATION of any Relationship and any situation in our life. They are the keys to getting back your power and living in truth, integrity, and love.

The Victim Triangle is a model for understanding unhealthy behaviors and dynamics in any situation or relationship. The Victim Triangle consists of three roles:
1: Victim -The Poor ME Syndrome or what I like to call it PMS. This is the person who feels like the world is against him or her. Victims believe they are helpless and that they have no control over what is happening to them. The victim does not want to accept any responsibility for what happens in his/her life and chooses to take a passive approach fueling its powerlessness. He or she does not take any direct action to create change and continues to participate in unhealthy situations that fuel the story of helplessness. The victim will always blame things outside of her/himself as responsible for their circumstances and does nothing to change it other than complain.
Common Victim Statements are: Nothing I do is good enough, I’m working as hard as I can, I can’t earn any more, Poor Me, Nobody gets me, Nobody knows how hard I try, and I’m dumb, stupid, hopeless, worthless, powerless, or helpless.

2: The Persecutor - Persecutors always have their finger pointing out at someone else and are often angry, resentful, and enraged at the world around them for being the cause of their frustration. As you can probably guess, it is very easy to go from victim to persecutor and blame everyone else for your problems. It is a temporary fix from hopelessness to a false sense of power through the destruction of another. Persecutors are skilled in the art of emotional blackmail, what has been written as FOG: Using FEAR, OBLIGATION, and GUILT to get you to do what they want. Underneath the blaming and the rage lies deep pain and feelings of helplessness at not having their needs met. We have to remember in talking about the triangle, that these behaviors and roles are simply maladaptive ways we learned to get what we needed. Underneath every victim, persecutor, or rescuer is a person who wishes to be loved and appreciated and who has not learned how to share his or her feelings or needs in a way that is empowered and direct. YOU is the main word in the persecutor’s vocabulary and Blame and Judgment the Common Theme!

Common Persecutor Statements are: It’s All Your Fault, I Blame You, You are Not good Enough, You Never Do What I want or I Hate You.

3: Rescuer- The rescuer role is taken on by those of us who believe that others “need” our help. In their effort to help others, what rescuers are often seeking is a stronger sense of themselves; helping others becomes their identity and there is a pervasive tendency to avoid what needs to be done for themselves. The rescuer feels like he or she is nothing unless someone needs them, and will often help others at the expense of their own needs.
Common Rescuer Statements are: I can do it, I don’t need anything, I’m Fine, How are YOU?, I can Fix it and I can Help You. Or what I like to add is “I’ll do it for you so I don’t have to focus on me or my life!”
What’s important to recognize here is that what makes these statements part of the Victim Triangle, rather than simply helpful, loving, suggestions is the PLACE INSIDE that they are stemming from. For a rescuer, helping others arises as an attempt to avoid difficult feelings, needs and one’s self through compulsively helping or rescuing another. The victim isn’t simply sharing his or her appropriate feelings about a situation, their attitude and actions are emerging from a place of powerlessness and lack of personal responsibility. The persecutor is not someone getting in touch with healthy anger; instead they are acting defensively and blaming others for their circumstance. Each of these roles is a maladaptive effort to gain power from a deep seated sense of powerlessness.
The Victim Triangle is something we all have in common. It is a way of being in which all of us participate in and which turn our relationships and our lives into a nightmare. While many of us have a role we easily default too, it is normal to dance around the triangle many times during a day, an hour, or even a minute. Can you see how easily a victim, who feels trapped and helpless by her situation, may suddenly get angry and persecute her circumstances, and then feel guilty for lashing out and try to rescue and make nice and then end up feeling like a victim again. You can go around that triangle a million times, and no matter what role you pick, you are always feeling like a Victim. It is impossible to feel your personal power within the Triangle and the only way out is stepping into The Circle of Empowerment by identifying where you are at in the triangle.
The Circle of Empowerment is healthy choice, personal power and utter empowerment. It gives us purpose and passion and a certain sense of control when in any relationship. It gives us choice so that we can behave in any relationship in our life, grounded in our selves, and making decisions and taking action from a place of truth, integrity, and love. It is a circle unique to you and moreover defined by you and about you. The triangle was taught to you, you lived in the environment in which you adapted unknowingly. The circle is your power dance of how it feels right for you to be in any given dynamic, with anyone. The circle is your freedom and the triangle is your obstacle.
So how do we use the circle of empowerment to move out of the triangle? Well, first we have to start where we are by identifying where it is that we are stuck in the victim triangle. If you find yourself in conflict, ask yourself are you feeling like a victim, acting like a persecutor or deflecting like a rescuer? Once that is identified, walk yourself from one role to the other in the triangle to begin seeing what you are doing outside of yourself. First, you must stop the interaction you are in that triggered the triangle dynamics as you can identify when you or another is playing the triangle game.
For example, if your partner asks you to do something repeatedly and you still are following their request, you may feel anger and snap at them (persecutor) then feel bad for doing so (rescuer) then feel worthless for being asked once again fueling possibly your story of not being a good partner (victim). Once identified and out of the dynamic you have begun the circle of empowerment work. You have made a conscious and mindful choice to say no to drama and say yes to victory. Making this choice is a step into your Personal Power and your ticket out of the Triangle into the Circle of Empowerment. Once you are acting from and in touch with your Personal Power and your Power of Choice, you are no longer a victim to any situation.
How will you know when you are in the Circle of Empowerment? The first sign is to understand that you are now in the center of a circle, and no longer stuck in a corner/point of a triangle. The energy is in an “ebb and flow” harmony and not in the form of trying to escape from one side to another side without having time to pause and comprehend where you are. There are four integrated correlations in the Circle of Transformation – each correlations brings you deeper into that most inner circle of Self-Empowerment
1. Conscious and mindful Choice making: Being aware of the fact that every choice/decision we make has meaning, significance and purpose behind it. That in every given moment we make a choice and have the power of choice of who we want to be, how we want to act and what we want people to think or know about it. Each moment, every day is conscious choice. Example: I consciously chose to eat organic food. MEANING: organic food is healthy for me. SIGNIFICANCE: healthy food is one of the keys to well-being. PURPOSE: My goal is to live a healthy life so that I may be productive and contribute to the health of the Cosmos. Why is this self-empowering? Because I have made a choice that is centered, grounded and brings purpose to my goals.
2. Focused Intention and Guided Alignment: Each choice/decision that we make needs to be in alignment with our life mission or our personal vision for ourselvesg. When I make a decision to “act” on something I must check and reevaluate if the decision I made is in alignment with my vision and brings me closer to it. If not, the risk remains to be in the victim triangle. Example: If my intention is to take an active part in changing society’s awareness about Global Warming and I choose to eat organic food, in order to be in alignment with my decision and my vision I need to understand why organic food can help issues of global warming and that by me buying and eating organically I am tangibly making a difference and supporting a worthy external cause, which is in alignment with my internal vision
3. Spoken in Truth, Integrity and Love: This is the “Am I being 100% genuine and authentic in this new action or behavior? Is it in my highest and best interest? Is my higher being the voice that is being heard or are the tricksters (mask, shadow or ego) trying to get away with “non-integrous” play? If you can say to yourself that “what I have chosen to do is my 100% truth, that it is in 100% integrity of who I am and I am lead to do so out of unconditional love for myself and for others” then you am can be assured that what you are doing is in the circle of empowerment. Any doubts are a sign that some issues still need to be dealt with and that you are not grounded 100% in your choice.
4. Grounded in Compassion, Kindness and Acceptance – internally and externally. Ask yourself, “Does my decision cause intentional harm to others? If yes, it needs to be redefined because any choice made in the circle of transformation must embody compassion and kindness and acceptance of self and others. Harm is a form of the victim triangle.
These are the four principals, the touchstones you must come back to, as you make any decision in relationship from the Circle of Empowerment. Some affirmations to work with while learning the Circle of Empowerment are: This is my life; I choose how to live it, I am worthy and deserve the best, There is plenty for me in the universe, I am a unique manifestation of the divine, I have gentle loving-kindness for myself, which allows me to develop compassion for others, I speak directly and responsibly to those I have issues with, I change how I perceive my circumstances and my perception changes my reality, My self-worth does not depend on the approval of others, Being responsible for my life does not mean that I am alone, and I have real and trusted support around me.
With these two models in hand, you can confidently step into the world of relationships and move from the stuck and disempowered roles of the Victim Triangle, to the Abundant and Empowered Manifestations grounded in the Circle of Empowerment! Enjoy your Relationship Victories! Remember, every moment of every day is a choice to reinvent who you want to be in each relationship. Be the change you wish to see in the world.
With Abundant Blessings, Dr. Lisa

How to Create your Passionate Success; a 5 step model to get Your GIG ON™!

Can you hardly wait to get up in the morning and start your day because you are doing what you LOVE? Is your life SIZZLING? Are you taking EMPOWERED, PROACTIVE Action to manifest your best LIFE? Do you know that you are meant to be, do and have anything you want?
If your answers are YES than you are ready to further your dreams to get your GIG ON! If your answers are NO then we have got work to do to get your GIG ON! Living from a NO drains the joy and passion right out of your life. Living from the YES aligns you with your soul’s calling; that which has heart and meaning to you and that which you are destined to do.
We all no longer need to put off our dreams, desires, intentions, goals or action steps. In fact, we can’t afford to live that way anymore. The only thing we really want to put off is our obstacles to manifesting. Remember vision without action is an illusion. Obstacles love to create a web of illusion based on paradigms of complaints and justifications for not following through on what you said you were going to do, what you wanted to do and even what you long to do. Obstacles cause you to forget that doing what you’re passionate about is the key to a well balanced, holistic, satisfied and grounded life.
The five step GIG ON™! Process I developed so we can all achieve our passionate success has been successfully used by businesses, corporations and professionals to lead them from their vision to practical and empowered manifestation. A clear vision and goal orientation is the hallmark of all high achieving and successful individuals and thriving organizations. Peak performing executives and professionals are motivated by compelling and meaningful ideas and target goals. These days it can be fairly simple to clarify your business goals, however moving those goals forward towards a tangible successful conclusion continues to be problematic for many professionals, individuals, entrepreneurs and businesses. Creating action steps and setting goals can also be difficult due to the personal beliefs, limits, constrictions and paradigms of the people attempting to manifest them. Every single person I have ever worked with, professionally or personally, held a FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real, perspective of not only failing but of actually succeeding and embracing what they set out to do.
You see we are all used to failing in some way and we expect it at a very core level. In fact, many of us keep creating the cycle of failure over and over again expecting some other result. Most of us have no blueprint for fully succeeding and enacting our full potential. The GIG ON process is that blueprint, use it and you will only fail if you stop doing what you said you were going to do! We are the only obstacle to what we truly want. Nothing external stops us; it’s only our internal world of fears, which we manifest externally that allows us to continue expecting failure. We have made ourselves experts at False Evidence Appearing Real – FEAR!
Manifestation without action is an illusion! The GIG ON™ process works whether your goal is about a business product or service; technology or marketing; coaching or self care; finances or relationship. It will harness the power of your intent and mission, by concretizing and aligning those goals with a passionate vision and effective strategic action, leading to only one result – the successful accomplishment of your goals! Your success, harmony, abundance and prosperity await you. All you have to do is LEAP and turn your heart-felt professional and personal visions into concrete, satisfying and juicy manifestation!
The five steps to get your GIG ON™ are:
1. Set your Goal
2. Create your Intention
3. Acknowledge your Gratitude
4. Identify the Obstacles
5. Take Action that is SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-based)
In this model, we set the goal last and focus on the intention first. We all need to know what we intend and why we want to do something. This motivates us to take action because we honor that it is our dream and desire and we have the courage to state it, write it and vision it. The intention gets the energy moving toward the desired result – the goal accomplishment. Then you ask yourself, if you follow through on your intention, what would you be grateful for? Be specific, share from your heart and have the generosity of spirit to speak from your soul. Each of us has a soul print, the unique character DNA of our essence, this is the work we all do in the world and it is who we really are at a core level. Without that acknowledgement, our intentions and dreams have no passion, no drive and certainly no inspiration.
You may find that once you have your intention and gratitude outlined and written down, with at least 2-3 of each formally stated you will begin to hear your mind; your ego; your personality and your FEAR speak. It will begin the litany of reasons why you can’t have what you intend and pop your gratitude balloon before you get your goal set and action started. This is the point most of us fail to get past and why many of us are still complaining about what didn’t happen ‘x’ number of years ago and why. This is when we start to lose our focus and drop our desires and end up making poor choices that lead us off course. Yet, with GIG ON™, the obstacle is included in the business plan. I want you to name your obstacles, all your FEAR’s, all your I CANT’s and all the reasons WHY the world and everything in it will block your road to success. This is when you really start to identify how responsible you are for the lack or scarcity of what you don’t have in your life. This is the authentic unfolding of your passionate success. Discovering what you are doing to block what you want makes it easier to see the pathway to your abundance and actually manifest all you desire. In this third step, identifying the obstacles creates your seniority over your paradigm of NO and lack and opens you up to joy and passion. Now, you get to move your GIG to the ON button again.
The fourth step is literally writing down and naming all the actions you need to do to meet your desired intent and gratitude, while avoiding the brakes the obstacle puts on your dreams. Most people have the hardest time with this because action becomes the illusion and drains the vision. Sometimes, we need to literally create from scratch the blueprint of what we want, sometimes we have to meet with 2 or 3 other professionals who do what we do to get some ideas, sometimes we have to set apart time in our busy lives each day to manifest the writing of just our vision, sometimes we need coaching, therapy or to attend a workshop, sometimes we need to read a book, we may need to hire help or sometimes we need to just do anything to begin the process of moving the energy toward our intention and gratitude. Whatever your actions are they always need to be SMART – specific (what will you do), measurable (how long or how many times), attainable (can you do that or know someone who can help you do that), realistic (will you create the time to make it happen) and time based (when will you do it).
Finally, based on your intention and gratitude and action steps, using your seniority to address your obstacles to achieving and having what you want, you are ready to state, set and ground your goal. It becomes clear what the goal is by what you wrote as your intention, gratitude, obstacle and action steps. By doing all that work first, the goal is simple, clear and effortless to see, do and know. Problem solved! You now know how to manifest your dreams with actions based in passion. Each GIG ON™ goal is done one 30 day period at a time to keep it circulating and moving and to keep your ideas innovative and engaging!
You can now wake up inspired, energized and excited to see where the magic of the GIG ON™ process takes you so you can celebrate and sustain your goal setting success!
'Every peak performer is a systematic goal setter'
http://www.aboutleap.com/get-your-gig-on/index.php
©2008 Dr. Lisa Cooney

TOP Nine ways to balance your personal and professional life in 09

Happy New Year!

It's that time of the year again to start anew, refreshed, revitalized and excited about the prospects of abundance and success that you will create in the coming year.

Instead of being overwhelmed and excited simultaneously and acting without proper focused intention, I present a nine point mantra guideline to ensure your personal and professional success:

1. RELEASE everything that drains your energy. That means anything that you can't stomach being around; person, place, job or event. Clear it out of your life once and for all. Do so kindly and gently without burning bridges and know within yourself that you will never allow that type of dynamic in your life because you know how physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually draining it was for you.
   
2. ATTRACT your 'velvet rope' friendships, partnerships and relationships. If there is any relationship in your business or your personal life that was made in lack, scarcity or victimhood…anything that seemed easier than just doing it the most aligned way to authenticity, internally and externally, gently release the reigns and believe much better will automatically appear in your life.
   
3. STOP lying to yourself about everything or anything. If you need to lose weight do it, if you don't like your job, create a new one, if you are unhappy in your personal relationship, go to couples therapy and reinvent yourselves and if you have to attract a certain income, discover what's blocking you from living your best life. The reality is, it is only you that is blocking you, there are no real obstacles, there are only the obstacles we manifest to prevent us from breaking through our glass ceiling.
   
4. RECLAIM your joy of life, living, friendships and family. Stop avoiding doing something outrageously fun and off the hook. Let your hair down and stop caring about who has what, is doing what, with whom and how. Focus on you and what you want and what you and your beloveds desire.
   
5. HAVE GRATITUDE for everything good that is in your life. Your couch, car, gym, yoga teacher, food, friendships, money, career and all your contacts, colleagues and business partners. Start loving you and the people in your life.
   
6. ACT on only what has heart and meaning for you. If you hear a 'no' or have hesitation don't do it, if you hear a 'yes' and still have some slight hesitation definitely do it. Action without manifestation is an illusion. Get your finances in order, buy a house, and take a workshop to get your goals aligned. Don't try to do everything by yourself, enlist help from those that can serve you best and collaborate with those that are dream achievers not dream drainers.
   
7. DO what you love and then express that love in everything you do. It's a time of change and it's time to show your skills, to stop 'dumbing' or numbing yourself down and be the incredible, magnificent being that you are! It's time to radically live and embrace your GREATNESS! Show your colleagues what you have, defy the ordinary and exceed to brilliance!
   
8. LIVE your truth and stop accepting any limiting belief that your wounded ego attempts to make you believe. Live your seniority over your past, your wounds, your story or whatever it is that holds you enslaved to its feeding. Be fit and healthy on all levels; mind, body and spirit.
   
9. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. There are complainers and drainers or movers and shakers. Be a mover and shaker and when you need to complain put it in your calendar and have a pity party, then get moving and shaking those cobwebs of the 'sameness' out of your being and embrace the physical, emotional, cognitive, spiritual, energetic and psychic you that is awaiting patiently for your story to move out of the way for its evolution. BE, DO, HAVE, LIVE YOUR GREATNESS NOW…AND HAVE AN EXCEEDINGLY PROSPEROUS AND HOLISTIC 2009!